06/19/21

For sure it's been two years since I even remembered that this existed but who cares? Live in the present. Today I am "preparing" for this interview for Bedroom Broadcast, Lennox and Nat's virtual broadcast that celebrates artists...basically who went to MC and who they know. It's a great opportunity but I feel like Miley Cyrus now because WTF Do I Know? I'm not sure what the questions are. It's Lennox so the pressure is going to be low and I will feel comfortable but my anxiety is getting the better of me. I'm nervous I will sound too high or too dumb because I genuinely feel the weed has just been making me dummer and dummer.

Speaking of weed lets talk about my next door neighbor. Sure, I'm a dumb ass bitch who left my door open and vaped so the smell had nowhere to go but the hallway next to his room, but does he have to go around spraying disinfectant around my door like it has Lamb's blood or whatever happened in the Bible? Eat my entire anal cavities, nigga! Use your words. I guess the biggest reason why the use your words thing is so important to me is that I grew up around his ass so I adopted the same habit of basically being passive aggressive as fuck. I don't know I just stopped feeling like typing right now but truly I want to start getting these feelings out. My mind is always racing at one hundred miles per second and I really just want to learn how to slow it down. My thoughts are always coming at me a mile a minute and I never take the time to actually hear myself out. I drown out my thoughts with music, or television. I don't really mind that in the long run in the sense of...I fucking love television and I love listening to music. I guess maybe I am correlating two things that don't really have anything to do with each other, aren't I?

I found it really interesting how I was trying to find my old blog where I would review things and came across this one that I created. I guess a bitch was so high I just forgot it happened. It also makes me think what else don't I remember that I did while I was high off my mind. Okay so the two things that come to mind are texting Joe D'Costa that I had a crush on him, just because I was high as hell and lonely, then also subscribing to Planet Fitness for a year. Which would have been good if I was more in a mindset back in 2019 of "I want to actually work out!" not just "I am going to run on the treadmill for three weeks and give up! 

But then again I also have to do what Harry Styles said and treat people with kindness. People being me. I thought it was actually in a really funny way good that my high self recognized that I genuinely do want to get fit and took a step forward. Honestly, I think I just stopped because of the shin splints. I actually didn't hate running. Look, a hoe really wants to get fit because I wanna be an actor and that just makes you more desirable on camera AND honestly...to be honest, yeah a big part of it is I just want to look desirable and be sexually appetizing for guys? I guess I am right now, clearly, but just not to the market that I want to attract.

While I don't necessarily know who I am right now, I am proud of myself for the way I have decorated my room so far and in general what I was able to accomplish by getting this room ready. After literally twenty years of this room collecting dust and no one putting in the effort to empty out this room so I could have some space I basically cleared the entire fucking room out by (side note, it's Juneteenth and Skye just Venmoed me 10 dollars...what a fucking royal) my self in the span of two weeks. I room I used to associate with stress is now mine. My wrist is hurting but hope to write here soon <3


Albums rn:

-Total by Total

-Rainbow by Mariah

-BRB by Jorja Smith

-Juicebox by Emotional Oranges


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