06/21/21

Wow bitch. Confetti Bedroom broadcast was fantastic. It's kind of everything I wanted it to be. There was a little bit of interviewing but it was mostly just vibes the whole time. I did not think we were going to actually do song association. I'm very glad I hiked up my stripper boots and made it to BB. The only problem is this weekend has felt like such a blur. The day of BB I was late getting Lenox from work because my mom was coming back with the car from Riverdale. I felt like a piece of shit when it came to Riverdale because I genuinely just did not feel like going. The only issue is I know Grandma Lue is leaving very soon and trying to speed that process up so I feel like I'm wasting time that I will regret. I don't know why I get so overwhelmed easily and it feels like the world is coming crashing down if I have more than one activity planned for the day. Clearly its not abnormal because I think to a certain extent everyone has a certain level of anxiety but mine is cranked up to 12 all the time and I don't know why. What could help me with that? Maybe I could start doing things that make me uncomfortable but then right before I start to do that shit I, wouldn't you know, a bitch is too uncomfortable. Like I was considering having breakfast outside this morning but I definitely just sat my fat lazy ass down in front of a plate of Chicken Alfredo in my room and listened to Zhane. That album is amazing, by the way. I love 90s music so much and this past year of discovering all of this music that it new to me makes me very happy. I remember I used to love the vibe of 90s music but it all sounded the same to me. Actually diving into the genre is making things so glorious for my ears.

Alright ladies, Fathers Day was yesterday and of course my yearly attack of anxiety comes on. I see people posting all day about their fathers and honestly I don't know what my relationship with mine is like. It is June, we haven't verbally spoken since December, although we will text back and forth sometimes. Not frequently. I blame him for a lot of what I consider to be my psychological issues, but I also end up periodically directing that anger to everyone in my house as well. I don't know if its more me projecting or if that's actually what is happening. Then again I have to give myself credit and remind myself its not my fault that he has put about 15% effort into coming to Maryland for as long as I can remember. Maybe he stayed a weekend with us...at most? He came for my high school graduation and the Labor Day after my 21st birthday. But you know what, he came to deliver a car and that's another story I'm no story teller...whatever Lil Wayne said in Only. So I have a right to have mixed feelings about him. We ended up texting a bit and it was pleasant. That's the thing, our exchanges are always pleasant but like a day after our phone call I will revert to kind of hating him for no reason. It's complicated, I guess. I feel bad for not calling my grandpa, though. He's the only one I have left. I have to call him.

I was supposed to record a podcast episode with my friend today but my uncle being home scared me into not doing it. I feel dumb. But I just don't feel comfortable using my voice in the house. I was at Bayron's crib yesterday and Iversson was belting out Bohemian Rhapsody and I was like...wow. People can just do that. I never discovered my love for singing because I was always to scared to use my voice at home. It's no one's fault its simply the fact that Im gay, started to realize that, and realize that was not okay with my family so I started to shrink myself around them. I wish it wasn't that way and I don't know what I can do to change this dynamic. The only person I can even halfway be myself around is my other and still I am sort of a cunt to her because I aim just unhappy living in a place where I don't feel like I can be me. It's like shackles that I can't seem to escape. But yeah, I think my uncle left so...should I text roxy and potentially watch this episode of Loki?  Stay tuned...

Xoxo, Eleven

ALBS:

-ZHANE - PRONOUNCED "JAH-NAY"