1/29/19
Hello world, me again. I guess this ain't going to be an every night thing and it's okay. It's my decision. It's my journey what I'm doing with this blog. Whatever it the fuck turns out to be. I honestly don't know where to start. I'll just go with what is on my mind. I have an appointment to meet with my director at 12:15 after my script analysis class but I am terrified. I have impostor syndrome. What I'm defining that as is feeling like I'm a lazy actor, I feel like I don't put in enough work yet I get rewarded so often in so many ways. I feel inferior when I'm around other actors because I fear they're doing the work, and I'm not. So I'm scared to talk to my director because she is someone who clearly thrusts herself into the work. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not doing it because I often look inwards for my answers to character questions and not ask the director and just figure it out myself, or I just don't think about it and make a choice and hope it sticks. So I'm nervous because I don't even have questions for her I just want to talk about what we've done so far. I just don't want to be asked a question about my character and blank and show that I haven't really thought about it much.
Okay, I guess I'll do this now. There's this boy in my cast that I'm going to call Thor. I think he's just so hot and he's like a goofball and I just dig guys like that for some reason. Prince was standing up over Thor playing the guitar and noticed song lyrics in his case. Prince tells me to look and they're lyrics that say stuff like "boy, when I look at you..." so we had to do a double take. And I don't know if I'm making it up because he's just a clueless nice guy who smiles and is kind to all, but like...we be looking at each other sometimes. I really don't know because I definitely be looking at him. But we'll see what the fuck happens.
My classes have been alright so far. I'm not terribly behind. Hope is a good friend that I acted with 2017-18 who left her mark at my school. Anyways that bitch has my fucking voice and diction book and I need it for class. But Voice and Diction is such a fun class so far. There's this boy, I'm gonna call him Freckles. He's so cute and so pleasant and laughs at everything like I do. I pray to Johava Jyra that he's one of the girls LOL. There's a boy named Nike in there and he is so fine too I wanna talk to him but I'm a little bitch! He dresses how I want to dress! I'm boring myself talking about that.
Work has been alright. My boss is a godsend from heaven. Every time I bring up me bothering her, she always reminds me that I am not bothering her. What a queen. We stan. I was able to help quite a few people out today. There was Wilson who was this cute cute cute ass voice major at school, I told him where Mannakee was and I'm honestly just like ugh he's a cute guy that will never like me. I want to be a more positive me but it's so hard when I really don't know how to talk to boys. And this other boy I think is so cute I just fucking ignored him today! I'm such a stupid bitch, I don't know how to do anything. And as I type this out I really need to stop being so hard on myself but it's not easy at all. Work is amazing, though. It's a joy.
I'm really sad though because I overheard my mom say she's going to possibly go back to work monday. That means I won't ahve the car anymore and I would have to get up an hour earlier in the freezing and take two buses. The car was my only untethering from my family. It's hard to say this but sometimes I really, really don't like them and I just want to be a way. I think a part of the reason I spend so much time outside of home at school is because I just don't want to be at home and deal with all of my family. They're just...not it sometimes. And I get too much of them.
Albums
Teyanna Taylor
Mariah - Caution
Miguel - War and Leisure
Jazmine Sullivan - First album
Okay, I guess I'll do this now. There's this boy in my cast that I'm going to call Thor. I think he's just so hot and he's like a goofball and I just dig guys like that for some reason. Prince was standing up over Thor playing the guitar and noticed song lyrics in his case. Prince tells me to look and they're lyrics that say stuff like "boy, when I look at you..." so we had to do a double take. And I don't know if I'm making it up because he's just a clueless nice guy who smiles and is kind to all, but like...we be looking at each other sometimes. I really don't know because I definitely be looking at him. But we'll see what the fuck happens.
My classes have been alright so far. I'm not terribly behind. Hope is a good friend that I acted with 2017-18 who left her mark at my school. Anyways that bitch has my fucking voice and diction book and I need it for class. But Voice and Diction is such a fun class so far. There's this boy, I'm gonna call him Freckles. He's so cute and so pleasant and laughs at everything like I do. I pray to Johava Jyra that he's one of the girls LOL. There's a boy named Nike in there and he is so fine too I wanna talk to him but I'm a little bitch! He dresses how I want to dress! I'm boring myself talking about that.
Work has been alright. My boss is a godsend from heaven. Every time I bring up me bothering her, she always reminds me that I am not bothering her. What a queen. We stan. I was able to help quite a few people out today. There was Wilson who was this cute cute cute ass voice major at school, I told him where Mannakee was and I'm honestly just like ugh he's a cute guy that will never like me. I want to be a more positive me but it's so hard when I really don't know how to talk to boys. And this other boy I think is so cute I just fucking ignored him today! I'm such a stupid bitch, I don't know how to do anything. And as I type this out I really need to stop being so hard on myself but it's not easy at all. Work is amazing, though. It's a joy.
I'm really sad though because I overheard my mom say she's going to possibly go back to work monday. That means I won't ahve the car anymore and I would have to get up an hour earlier in the freezing and take two buses. The car was my only untethering from my family. It's hard to say this but sometimes I really, really don't like them and I just want to be a way. I think a part of the reason I spend so much time outside of home at school is because I just don't want to be at home and deal with all of my family. They're just...not it sometimes. And I get too much of them.
Albums
Teyanna Taylor
Mariah - Caution
Miguel - War and Leisure
Jazmine Sullivan - First album
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