1/24/2019

Hello, I'm just going to be typing. I'll do my best to do these at 11:11 pm. Who the fuck knows? I'm ready to start opening up to my therapist. I never would have thought I'd stan so hard for a Caucasian, presumably straight, man? He's quirky and wise. He has an Iron Man water bottle, bitch! I think I'm going to tell him about the ratings shit I be doing on my computer. I still haven't even figured out a name for it. Maybe if I type it out here I can finally have an understanding of how to describe what I do. I have been obsessed with television ratings for years because I have been obsessed with television. It's a thrill when I see how many people are watching my favorite, or least favorite, TV shows. I can a jolt of energy from it. It's dope. Sidebar (thank you AS!), I just started listening to "Common" by Zayn. It has a simple melody, not relying on the snare beat that takes up most of music these days, and it's just him singing. He sounds good. We need more singers out here doing it like this! Anyways, TV shows and ratings. So I modeled my own "TV network" (in my head) after ABC Family. Teen drama type of shows, with mix of young adult shows. A show called "Blake" about a dramatized group of students who met at high school orientation and the show followed their over-dramatic shit. There was Alexa, the main girl (modeled after me, more on that...later? lol) and she was just the dumbest bitch and I was living for how I wish my life was going when I first came up with it in the ninth grade. There was a show based on South of Nowhere from The N. It was about this gay kid (lol based on me, narcissist hoe much?) and his journey with coming out. It had the same character beats as South of Nowhere. And this show called "Juno" which is a comedy in the vein of Seinfeld but single camera and I fucking just made it the highest rated show on cable because eat my ass! It anchors a whole ass Wednesday night comedy block. You know what? Special report on "The new WB" at a later date. I'm doing the most. But yeah I made a television network for myself and I want to share that with him. I have never really shared it with anyone before. Except someone named AJ. We will get to her at another time when it's relevant. Love her, though. No shade. So I'm excited to see how he will react? I don't know, because it could be like "oh this fag is crazy" or "omg this is dope! love u!" I hope he loves me because he's a dope dude. 

I was very nervous to block my first scene at Stage Beauty rehearsal. It's the play I'm in right now. It's a Shakespeare scene, from Othello. This has been done by such amazing people. I know that it's only just for one scene that I am playing him but I'm still nervous! It's Shakespeare so I want to treat it with as much respect as possible. I was so nervous to do it because for some reason I feel like I am unprepared. I have that scene down in my head, I simply just keep second guessing/doubting myself so it throws me off. I never like being off my game. I never want someone to "catch me sweating". By that means I never want anyone to see me in a vulnerable position. For many reasons, I feel like thats why I am so closed off to everyone. For the thing that was supposed to make everyone like me and think I'm strong. I just feel like all I do is complain to people. Anyways, we blocked the scene. My WONDERFUL director noticed seeing the way my breath is when I'm giving lines and was helping me through it. She is so intense but I love her. To be frankly, she's a fucking bitch but I am just obsessed with her! Every time she talked it's like my brain grows hands and starts eating all of her words in a letter spaghettio type thing. I am so scared to look unprepared to her. I want her to know how committed I am to the work. Event though I say that, I hate how much time I have to commit. I'm just going to say it. I'm a weak ass bitch and I would just fucking prefer to sit down and be a part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe for most of my life. I just want to suck the fuck down, vape and watch MCU movies. That's fucking it. But I have to be a real adult and it's starting to sink in. I just feel unprepared. But I have so much time to discuss that and write about it.

I really just need a place to start reflecting. If I don't get these thoughts out I'm going to burst. I'm going to sink into myself. There are such dark things about me that I feel like I simply could never tell people because they would never want to talk to me again. At least that's what I think. I'm a really dramatic type of bitch. Oh, bitch, also Brit was getting on my last nerve today! It was really hard acting against them. I hate to say that because I usually love being around them. It wasn't even their acting it was that they were kind of mouthing/feeding me lines sometimes? Because they play Othello later in the play, as I am doing now against them. It would make sense if you saw the show! But it was annoying and it was distracting and I just wanted to say it. And I was stressing out today and Fork would not stop talking to me at rehearsal. I just wanted to sit down in silence, man! Um "Yuh" is one of my best friends but I thought they told me we were gonna try and get seats in the front, I saved them a seat, they were like I actually prefer the middle so we didn't sit together. I didn't like that for some reason. But I did like being behind them and seeing their reaction. Haha, it was funny. Prince is a great guy, I got him a vape cartridge (gonna call them carts) and gave it to him. The bitch had the audacity to take the hit in the bathroom dURING our class. This hoe LOL. But he says um so much it's annoying. I'll get more in depth in friends at another date! 

I started working in my school's music department and this stupid ass professor keeps asking too much out of me. I know it's not good to say but I really don't give a fuck at this point. I'm just exhausted. Not that she would know that, lol. I met the bitch once I'm not gonna tell her my life story for sympathy. She emailed me saying that what I printed...which by the way...she asked me to make 150 BW and 20 Color copies of this big ass flyer. We had to work with the theater building to get them printed! It was so much work on my first day. But I did it pro-actively, by the end of the day when she didn't need it til four days later. I was on my shit. Anyways, the bitch told me and Jewel (my coworker) it was the wrong thing and asked me to look on the computer for some shit. Bitch, it's not on my account. I have to talk to my boss about it. But apparently my boss hates that bitch so LOL.

It's crazy how I'm writing this as if someone is actually going to read it. To be quite honest, I hope someone stumbles upon this if I die. I want everyone to know what I really thought. Think! I'm not planning on offing myself. Lol, just a disclaimer! Love you if you're reading this. No matter what I say in these posts, I want you to know that in some way I love you. I love the person you are. I love your imperfections and nothing I say here negates that. It is a way to blow off steam and just be truthful.

XOXO,

eleven.

Key of people:

"Ten" - a friend in theater

"Trello" - one of my best friends, black power bitch!

"My director" - fucking beast love this bitch

"My therapist" he's also my psychiatrist!

"My boss" - queen

"Copy music woman idk"

"Jewel" - my coworker

"Brit" - my cast mate

"Yuh" - one of my best friends/grass guardian

"Prince" - one of my best friends/cast mate/grass guardian

"Fork" - my cast mate

Albums I have sucked the dicks of:

Ariana - All four of her albums

Janelle Monae - Dirty Computer 

Teyana Taylor

Harry Styles

Lady Gaga - Joanne

Beyonce - Lemonade

Rihanna - Anti

Jorja Smith - Lost & Found

Khalid - Suncity

I'll make it a game and add new things every post.